From Power & Control to Mutual Submission: A Guide for Couples Who Want Respect

If you and your spouse keep getting stuck in conflict about respect, you’re not alone.

For many couples, “respect” doesn’t just mean being polite. It means:

• “Don’t dismiss me.”

• “Don’t undermine me.”

• “Include me in decisions.”

• “Treat me like I matter—even when we disagree.”

When those needs feel threatened, it’s easy for the relationship to slip into a power and control frame. One person pushes. The other resists. Both feel unsafe. Then the fight repeats.

Let’s shift the frame.

A Christian picture of the shift is mutual submission—not roles, not dominance, not silence. Equal humility.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21)

Mutual submission means: I won’t use my power to punish you. I will use my strength to protect connection while we solve the problem.

Step 1: Catch the power-and-control frame early

Before you try new words, try noticing when you’ve entered “courtroom mode.”

You might be in it if you catch yourself:

• building a case in your head

• replaying past offenses

• looking for a verdict: “Admit you’re wrong”

• trying to regain control by withdrawing, stonewalling, or making unilateral decisions

Try this quick self-check:

“Am I trying to win a case—or build connection?”

If it’s “win a case,” don’t shame yourself. Just name it. Courtroom mode is usually a threat response.

Step 2: Use a reset line that protects dignity

When the conversation starts to tilt toward disrespect, don’t wait until it explodes.

Try saying this phrase exactly as-is:

“I care about you. I don’t want this to turn into disrespect. Can we protect each other’s dignity and talk?”

Then pause.

If you need a follow-up line, use one:

• “Can we slow down and restart with one issue at a time?”

• “I’m listening. I just need us to keep this respectful.”

• “Can you tell me what you need in one sentence?”

This is mutual submission in real time. You’re submitting your impulse to punish, and you’re protecting the relationship’s safety.

Step 3: Translate “you disrespected me” into a clear, workable message

In your marriage, disrespect might not look like yelling. It might look like dismissal, undermining, or exclusion.

Here’s the most helpful way to bring it up without provoking a defensive spiral:

Try this template

“When you ____, I felt ____. What I needed was ____. Can we ____?”

Examples you can use:

• “When you said, ‘That’s not a big deal,’ I felt dismissed. I needed you to take me seriously. Can you try that again with curiosity?”

• “When you corrected me in front of others, I felt undermined. I needed support, not exposure. Can we talk privately about feedback?”

• “When the decision was made without me, I felt excluded. I needed partnership. Can we agree to decide those things together?”

This is a submission move because you’re choosing clarity over condemnation.

Step 4: Replace scorekeeping with “a moment, not the whole history of wrongs”

If you don’t feel safe, your mind will start collecting evidence:

• “This is the third time.”

• “You always do this.”

• “Here’s another example.”

That’s understandable. It’s your 'ego' (your sense of self) trying to make sure your pain is taken seriously.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Romans 12:2a)

But if you bring the whole history into the moment, your spouse often hears: “You’re a bad person.” A partner will feel condemned by the evidence. Then they defend or withdraw.

Try this instead

Pick one moment and deal with it cleanly.

• “Tonight, when you laughed when I brought that up, I felt dismissed. Can we talk about that moment?”

If you want a phrase that keeps you out of courtroom mode:

“I don’t want to build a case. I want to solve one moment with you.”

Step 5: Make mutual submission tangible: “I’ll own my part first”

Mutual submission isn’t vague kindness. It’s measurable humility.

Try leading with one sentence of ownership:

• “Here’s my part.”

• “I didn’t like my tone.”

• “I made an assumption.”

• “I got controlling when I felt unsafe.”

Then stop. Do this for each other. A good diagnosis goes a long way in solving problems especially when the Gottmans' (prominent relationship scientists) suggest that 69% of a couples' problems are unsolveable then this is where mutual respect is crucial to feeling emotionally safe.

P.S. If you would like to explore these patterns more deeply, consider working with a therapist who specializes in couples' communication, connection, and repair. Having support can give you the space to slow things down, understand what’s happening beneath the conflict, and begin creating new ways of relating to one another at a pace that feels right for you.

Nitish Matthew is a couples' communication and relationship enhancement expert, helping couples better understand their patterns, strengthen connection, and build more secure and satisfying relationships.